I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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