my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
