walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
