How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
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