She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is Oprah even human
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
