I like to think it a success when the cops are called
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
