I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
