don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
