remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Randomize
