My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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