My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
