Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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