hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
