god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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