I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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