saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
