every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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