he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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