I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
