A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
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Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
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I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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