I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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