So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
