I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
