thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
