I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane