i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I stole a fireplace last night.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
