I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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