just come out here and I will go home with you...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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