You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
