I want to walk on stilts...naked
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
