Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
