I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
