I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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