Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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