So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
