I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
