FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
