The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
