Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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