grandma shit on top of the toilet
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
