my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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