A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
