Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
