Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
