Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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