i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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