filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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