Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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