You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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