hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
