all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
