If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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