no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Randomize
