Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
